Sun-Dried Tomato B-Yay-gels

The best things in life are free.

Sun-dried tomato bagels are no exception.

"Oh my gosh," I bet you're wondering, "where are you getting these delectable treats for free?"

Let me tell you how it works. Late at night, often as a final stop on the way home or as a welcome study break, my roommates and I will hop on our bikes and ride down to our local treasure trove. There, a package awaits us. It is an enormous bag, left behind for us by some faceless ally. It is hidden in plain view, in an enormous box. It overflows with dozens of soft fresh bagels.

Hidden in plain view? Why doesn't anyone take our gift?

Sometimes someone else does get to it first, but we are happy to share.

But most of the time...no one thinks to look in the dumpster.

Now I can see your face, jaw dropped and nose crinkling, saying, "eww that's naasssttyyy!"

But is it? I'm not talking about picking half-eaten burgers out of city street trash cans here. Have you ever thrown a plastic shopping bag in the kitchen trash only to realize there's still a plum or something left inside? You fish it out, of course. This is no different. No one has touched these bagels. No trash has even touched them--they sit there, enveloped in the safety of a clear, protective garbage bag, just waiting to be liberated.

And my roommates and I happily oblige, because there is no nightcap like a midnight bike ride eating soft, chewy bagels with your friends.

So hopefully, now you're a little less grossed out. Maybe you're even a little bit intrigued. "Where can I get in on this tasty bagel action," you might be wondering.

Well, I can't tell you.

It would compromise our spot. Dumpster diving is, after all, illegal.

Why? By Jove, I wonder the same exact thing every time I go. Why the hell is taking trash illegal? It's already been discarded, after all. It's not like anyone is making any more profit off it.

The only reason I can think of has corporate America standing scowling right behind it. If people trash-pick things, that means they're not buying them. Whether it's a chair on someone's tree lawn or red peppers in the grocery store dumpster, why would somebody pay Office Max or Giant Eagle if they can get the same thing for free? Exactly.

Well, in the case of the bagels, you can rest easy, _________. I never used to buy bagels anyway. In fact, your dumpster actually led me inside your establishment one day to buy a cup of coffee and a pastry. I had had a particular craving for one of your tasty menu items and it had happened to still be daylight.

There is no reason for people to go hungry in America. For some reason, "one man's trash is another man's treasure," is an illegal sentiment in this country. But we live in a wasteful society where a bruise on an apple is sufficient grounds to toss it out back. So trash those bourgeois anxieties and dive in that dumpster. My, is the treasure-trash plentiful.